Boy Crazy?

In elementary school, when girls were sharing who they had a crush on they didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t have one. In middle school when the gap between the girls and boys at the middle school dance closed, I watched from the little decorated tables circling the dance floor. In high school, I remained mostly oblivious to the messy and rampant network of like and lust that permeated those halls.  

I didn’t entirely make it through unscathed; it was only when a boy persistently liked me that I decided to like him back, and one of the biggest reasons I even started that relationship in the first place is because I felt it is what you’re “supposed” to do. To turn down a guy with no reason but I don’t want to be in a relationship seemed just plain weird.

Personality is a relatively stable thing, according to psychological findings. As a senior in college, I am, you guessed it: single, and still not “boy crazy”. I can’t explain my “type” to you (maybe I’ll conjecture some fairytale character for the fun of it, but it holds no permanence in my heart), and I can’t even tell you I’ve thought much about my wedding. 

As I have gotten older, I have felt more and more as though my lack of interest is not normal. I don’t meet many people in college who genuinely say they’re not looking to be in a relationship right now. Because I have found this to be true, I have believed that because I wasn’t sharing in the pining, something about me and my desires were wrong.

But I did glorify the idea of being in a relationship. Having a partner to make decisions with, to count on, to do life with. This desire became more desperate as I transitioned to being an upperclassman in college. Maybe it’s because I attend a Christian southern school that still echoes of the expectation to have a ring by spring. It’s not an obvious, but it’s still there. And I’m officially the age my parents were when they met each other.

This pressure slowly pushed on the desire that was there for a husband, and before I knew it, I was living in fear of my future and a sneaky bitterness, barely noticeable towards those who did have men in their lives. My desire for a relationship became a source of fear and jealousy. 

This weekend I was in New York City to visit a good friend. While I was there, I was able to get some perspective. I love the way travel lends itself to perspective. It’s almost like you are able to look down at your life from the plane, see the bigger picture, and connect the dots.

Lately my prayer has been that God would make the desires of my heart the same as His. That there wouldn’t be a war between God’s desires for me and my own, that they would be one, and I would find freedom and confidence in that. And since praying that prayer, I have noticed a change in my heart.

That idea of being in a relationship was (and still is) attractive to me. But it had wormed its way into the conversations that happen around girls about boys, and became a way that I would relate with those desires. It wasn’t all consuming, but it was something that I felt desperate about. I was afraid of a future in which I didn’t have a partner. 

And now… it’s weird to even type this, but … I’m not anymore. I’m not afraid of that future.

Don’t get me wrong, in a way it is still scary. But it doesn’t seem overwhelmingly impossible anymore. This is not because of my own willpower or strength or crazy independent nature. I won’t even say it’s just my personality that’s not “boy crazy,” because up until a few weeks ago I would’ve been absolutely terrified to be “called to singleness.” I really don’t like that phrase, because I think it can be used to strike fear into the hearts of women who desire a relationship, making them so afraid of what God might ask them to do that they run from His love. I am not saying I am “called to singleness.”

This is I do know: I am ok with being single for what feels like the first time in my life. I don’t feel like I should be feeling a different way because everyone else is, or because I am terrified of being an adult woman without a wedding coming down the pipeline. There is absolutely nothing in sight, not even from the plane, and I feel… fine.

This is not because of my personality or willpower. This is a work of God. This is answered prayer. This is God, for a reason too wonderful for me to understand, making my heart perfectly content in this moment. In church this morning I was overcome by His presence, looking at me with a love and admiration I can’t begin to explain, laughing with joy, and saying “I love you.” And I was brought to tears with how much I understood in that moment that that was it. All I need. Anything else is grace upon grace upon grace.

If you do desire a relationship right now, desperately, I hope this doesn’t make you feel wrong or different. I hope this helps you understand the power of God, and He has the power to make you perfectly content in Him.

The church can be quick to empathize with those desperate to be in a relationship, tired of the “waiting season” and praying every day for God to bring them a husband. I understand this, and the importance of empathy here. I also think that we cannot overlook the power of God to completely satisfy that desire. If that seems impossible to you right now, that’s ok. Start by praying that you would believe it is possible for Him to quench it with His love.

You can let Him do that. You can ask that His desires would become one with your own, and you don’t have to be afraid of that outcome. It doesn’t mean you will be called to singleness. It means you will experience a satisfaction of the thirst that permeates this world to be loved. You don’t have to buy into that. We live in a world obsessed with love, and get trapped looking for it in all the wrong places.

There is one place to look, and you will find rest there. It may take years… but if you’re a Christian, we’re all in it for the long game. We are a people who wait.

Maybe I’ll read this back in the future with my husband beside me, and maybe I won’t. But that’s not the point. I have exposed a bit of my heart on the internet so that you know this: God has the power to rewire a person’s heart and make it so that they are completely satisfied in Him. That’s it. No “once you are satisfied in singleness then God will bring you a husband.” Just pure satisfaction. It’s possible. It is my prayer and can be yours too.